I've been really busy lately, now that my final exam is a few weeks from happening. But I wanted to share this here, so I can remember it at later times, when I'm lagging behind again...
I love this guy's artwork, he has the most motivational comics I have stumbled upon on the Internet. Right click on the strip and open it in a new tab. You will be able to zoom in and see what's written in there.
I think everyone does. I see it in the faces that pass me by daily. The absent, darkened looks, the thin lips, the lack of patience, the frowns... I see it in me when I look in the mirror. I see it often enough, but it's still a surprise. Every time.
How do we get so old and tired so quickly?
I think for me it's the recovering part that's taking it out of me. It seems that most of my life I've spent recovering... From the burn in my early childhood, from the beatings and abuse during childhood and teens, from the rapes, from being poor and feeling meaningless, from being abandoned, alone, homeless, rootless... And though at this moment I am the most stable I have ever been in my life, I am still recovering...
I heard some pretty powerful and damn true words these days... I think I will make it my life motto.
"Let's raise children who won't have to recover from their childhood."
- Pam Leo
There is darkness, evil, hate, there is smile, love, softness, there is understanding and arguing, there is escaping and clinging, there is sadness, the salt of tears or the hot air of sighs, but there is no fear. No more fear. I have spent my childhood afraid of the moment he would arrive home, my teens afraid of his controlling reign of terror, and my adulthood 'till now afraid of his memory. No more fear. I have grown. I have torn myself from him. No fear. There is no fear.
Magari io sapessi perdere
Senza mai dovermi arrendere
Ma l'errore non esiste
La paura non esiste
(If only I knew how to lose
Without ever having to surrender
But there is no error
There is no fear)
It took a while to accept the fact that I am in this point again. I am standing once on the edge of myself, looking down into the blackness of my past. Although I told myself nevermore, here I am again. What is it that won't allow me to let go? What is it I don't see that keeps me back? What is it I don't touch?
It occured to me it could be my core, it could be what I am built of. But I know it's not that. I am built of a huge hunk of warm, colorful hope. It's just the outside that has worn out and become old... It's just the shell, I tell myself.
Whatever it is, I am determined to scratch the surface no matter how long it takes. I am determined to be free of the misery and tears that do not belong to me. I am determined to be free inside the life I choose and deserve. Unfortunately for me, this means it's time to roll my sleeves and get back in there...
Still, I can't help but wonder sometimes... why does it have to be a constant fight?
Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me
It's time to stop whining and start facing reality as is, not as I wish it to be. So the blocks of my little inner world were scattered around... Just rebuild!
It's time to stop arguing and start accepting. I cannot model the world as I want it, I need to model myself to fit the world. Shouldn't be too hard, though. Done it a million times, time for for the millon plus one time.
It's time to stop reacting to what life throws at me and start acting. My life belongs to me, not the other way around.
No more WhineArgueReact.
Instead I will work harder to get to where I want without relying on anyone but myself. I will aspire higher each day. Each step will just take me to the next. I will relax more and offer my smile to the one who deserves it.
This is my declaration of WAR.
Previous PostsNature loves courage, posted June 18th, 2013
Breathe, posted April 24th, 2013
I get so tired sometimes, posted February 6th, 2013
There is no fear, posted January 8th, 2013
Everything from the inside, posted December 12th, 2012
Declaration of WAR, posted October 19th, 2012, 1 comment
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